Why Do Parents Break Their Children's Hearts?

I witness this sad story every year at this time.

An 18-year-old received a $25,000 scholarship from his dream school. The dream has been in his blood ever since he first heard his parents tell him he can go to any college if he applies himself. The mother points to the hard-working father as the boy's example, what the father has achieved to buy the American Dream for his family, and the son is firmly convinced. With focus and hard work, you can do it too.

Unintentionally the well-meaning parents left out a truth that is now destroying their child's long-nurtured dream: they never told their son that they cannot afford to pay the difference between the scholarship amount and the school's obscene $48,000-a-year pricetag.

But the scholarship, so thinks the student, confirms everything he was told. So why is he learning that he cannot attend? The disconnect is unbearable. The student feels cheated. And sadly his heart is broken. Right there to help pick up the pieces are his parents who may not have been honest enough from the start, or their egos chose to ignore the truth that they couldn't pay, or they simply didn't understand that the springboard to success NEVER NEVER NEVER depends on going to a typically over-priced brand-name college.

This brand name nonsense is nothing more than an insidious trap that's being set for the achiever by well-meaning parents, encouraging teachers, and admiring friends. Ironically, most of these same people, who are doing well with their own lives, never graduated from a "name" school. Duh. Another disconnect.

Now this achiever learns the hard meaning of "bait and switch": achieve this to get that, and when you achieve it, you can't have it. Life isn't fair - yeah, that too.

Is there a solution, and where does it come from? The solution is a simple honesty from the parents. "The chances are good," a parent should say, "that we won't be able to afford the college you think you want to attend. With over 4,000 colleges in America, there's certainly one we can afford, and one where you'll get the tools and training you need if you take full advantage of what that school has to offer."

Warning: Because students are highly influenced by their friends, their parents will continue to send all the wrong messages to their kids, and you'll have to contend - as parents are burdened to do - with constantly having to prove your point to counter what your child is hearing. But will they listen?...

Start early. As soon as the subject of college comes up. Always have the cost as a component in any conversation and decision that will be made later so no surprises are experienced in early April of the senior year.

One parent told me, "Having a broken heart at this age is crazy!"

What's also crazy is ignoring - or pretending not to notice - the real costs of college. Acknowledging this truth, while also acknowledging that a brand name school is NEVER NEVER NEVER necessary for success, will make decision time a whole lot easier.

Lesson: When it comes to choosing colleges, it's okay to say, "NEVER!"

College Award Letters - They're In The Mail

At this time of year colleges are beginning to mail out their financial aid offers to next year's freshman class.

Be very careful what you read.

You did NOT receive a stone tablet where everything is carved in stone.

Here's what you're not seeing at the bottom of the letter because it's invisible:

"This is our first offer."

This is not at the bottom of the letter if your EFC (Expected Family Contibution = what you're expected to pay) exceeds the college's cost this year. But it's there if your EFC is below the college's cost of attendance.

This all means one thing: you can appeal the award letter. Yes!

Colleges think you're dumb enough NOT to notice that you can appeal their "award," which is really the bill made to look like a huge favor thrown in for good PR.

Don't be deceived. Colleges have appeal budgets that are not disclosed on their websites. Not for a moment are they going to signal to you that if you don't like their offer, you can always ask for more.

Bottom Line: You can ask for more. It doesn't mean you'll get more, but many colleges will offer a little bit more to make you feel good. It's a "touchee-feelee" thing with those people.*

What do you stand to lose if you don't ask?
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*"those people" is a term that Robert E. Lee used when he referred to his enemy during the Civil War. It's a term we use here in the same manner. In other words, the colleges are not your friends as much as they would like to portray themselves with all that glossy mailbox literature you receive.