Why Do Parents Break Their Children's Hearts?

I witness this sad story every year at this time.

An 18-year-old received a $25,000 scholarship from his dream school. The dream has been in his blood ever since he first heard his parents tell him he can go to any college if he applies himself. The mother points to the hard-working father as the boy's example, what the father has achieved to buy the American Dream for his family, and the son is firmly convinced. With focus and hard work, you can do it too.

Unintentionally the well-meaning parents left out a truth that is now destroying their child's long-nurtured dream: they never told their son that they cannot afford to pay the difference between the scholarship amount and the school's obscene $48,000-a-year pricetag.

But the scholarship, so thinks the student, confirms everything he was told. So why is he learning that he cannot attend? The disconnect is unbearable. The student feels cheated. And sadly his heart is broken. Right there to help pick up the pieces are his parents who may not have been honest enough from the start, or their egos chose to ignore the truth that they couldn't pay, or they simply didn't understand that the springboard to success NEVER NEVER NEVER depends on going to a typically over-priced brand-name college.

This brand name nonsense is nothing more than an insidious trap that's being set for the achiever by well-meaning parents, encouraging teachers, and admiring friends. Ironically, most of these same people, who are doing well with their own lives, never graduated from a "name" school. Duh. Another disconnect.

Now this achiever learns the hard meaning of "bait and switch": achieve this to get that, and when you achieve it, you can't have it. Life isn't fair - yeah, that too.

Is there a solution, and where does it come from? The solution is a simple honesty from the parents. "The chances are good," a parent should say, "that we won't be able to afford the college you think you want to attend. With over 4,000 colleges in America, there's certainly one we can afford, and one where you'll get the tools and training you need if you take full advantage of what that school has to offer."

Warning: Because students are highly influenced by their friends, their parents will continue to send all the wrong messages to their kids, and you'll have to contend - as parents are burdened to do - with constantly having to prove your point to counter what your child is hearing. But will they listen?...

Start early. As soon as the subject of college comes up. Always have the cost as a component in any conversation and decision that will be made later so no surprises are experienced in early April of the senior year.

One parent told me, "Having a broken heart at this age is crazy!"

What's also crazy is ignoring - or pretending not to notice - the real costs of college. Acknowledging this truth, while also acknowledging that a brand name school is NEVER NEVER NEVER necessary for success, will make decision time a whole lot easier.

Lesson: When it comes to choosing colleges, it's okay to say, "NEVER!"

The New Definition of REACH schools

In almost knee-jerk fashion high school guidance counselors and professional admission counselors advise students to apply to "reach" schools where there's a 0%-20% chance of being admitted.

Really dumb advice.

If you think otherwise, ask any high school freshman this question: "If you could buy a car for $500, and the salesman told you that there was an 80%-to-100% chance that in 200 more travel miles the car would die, would you buy it anyway?" The answer will reveal how smart this teen really is!

But advice pedlars aren't so wise. It's a standard mantra to tell teens to apply to "reach" schools as part of their application mix. And they haven't thought about the consequences of this advice. Using my car metaphor, the teen is told that the car may blow up in 200 miles, but you should buy it anyway. Where's the logic here?

Here's what I tell students: don't apply to "reach" schools. Why? Because it's a waste of valuable time and energy. With the odds so stacked against the student, the reach school is now redefined as...

the UNREACHABLE school.

What's the point is setting up a student to witness his or her own rejection from an impersonal admissions office where the student was warned in advance of the possibility? Is this a form of parental or even professional sadism? Do we revel in seeing our kids get rejected? Of course not, but we tell our kids to do it anyway with the flippant "Who knows? You could get in." Would we dare say, "Who knows? The car could last another 100,000 miles?"

I tell my brightest students who want to apply to the Ivys that their rejection possibilities are up in the 80% to 100% range. The student is surrounded by well-meaning parents, impressed school teachers, and friends who are constant in their advice that they ought to apply to the "best" schools. Unknowingly or unintentionally everyone is involved in an unintended conspiracy to see the student get rejected.

When the rejection comes in a thin envelope, what explanations do these same people give now? It's like attending a wake for the living, where the flow of advice continues. And no one's thinking that the student isn't receptive because all along, when the push was on to apply to those "reach" schools, the student had a little expectation that s/he would be accepted. Because, after all, who knows?

Lesson here: Never lower your standards, but be honest with yourself. If you know the car won't last, don't buy it.